Suddenly, I've lost my mood to blog. My head was filled with thoughts and things I wanted to pen down - I even had the sentences all in my head all figured out like half an hour ago. But all of it went away. I got distracted I guess. Nevertheless, I'm still gonna try to blog about something here in desperate attempt to resurrect my dead blog.
Well, one thing for sure is that I am feeling a bit down. Feeling angry too because I am VERY sick of living here. I know I ain't the smartest one in the family. I know I ain't the most pious or well-behaved either. BUT PLEASE, FATHER DON'T YOU EVER DARE accuse and insult me again. I know he will of course continue to do that (apparently, in his eyes, I am the black sheep in the family), but I can only take SO MUCH accusation.
Frankly speaking, I have absolutely NO REGRET with the actions I've done. Being all rude, scolding and challenging my Father back. Or sometimes my Mother. I seriously don't give a shit that I'm sinning when I was being all rude to them because I KNOW I AM RIGHT.
Why would I want to feel guilty when it isn't my fault? Why should I be all regretful and worry about how I reacted to the situation? As memory serves me right, you had this saying "Kalau you tak bersalah, nak marah buat apa? As long you know you've done nothing wrong, that's all that matters to it.".
But like I've already said. One can take only so much accusations. One would surely explode. I know I did.
It really hurts me that my parents don't trust me and that they ALWAYS think that I am up to no good. I don't even know if they even love me at all. I just don't feel the supposedly 'unconditional love' that family members have for their loved ones. What I know is that.. Daddy has given up on me. I know he just hates me.
I'm just a burden to Daddy. I know because the things he says to me clearly shows that. He has no choice but to still feed me and shelter me because I am still his flesh and blood. But I know, if he had the option, he rather not have me. He detest the fact that he has to spend shitloads of money on me for my education and my day to day expenditure and yet, I can't deliver the results that he expects (good results, etc). Hence he has this mindset that I am a good-for-nothing child. Though he had never once said this directly to my face, I can feel it radiating from him.
Many times he said "Belajar tak nak, kawan semua dengan budak jahat. Sekarang jadi budak korang ajar. What do you know? Tahu mintak duit saja. You think what? I print money is it? You think I want to give you money so willingly?".
You know what Father, if you don't want to give, then don't. I don't expect anything from you. If you are not sincere in giving me the money, I wouldn't want to take it. I, myself wouldn't want to hold money thats not meant for me. Give it to your Mother. Give it to your siblings. They mean much more to you than me. I won't mind. I don't care anymore.
Everything I do isn't enough for him. Especially in my education. Yes, he pressures my siblings too but AT LEAST if they have achieve something, he'll recognises it. He acknowldges it. He even awards them. I know he has awarded me before and I am thankful for it and I am not complaining about it. But I don't know.. I just got this feeling that he does that because he has to. Not because he wants to.
I remember in Primary 5, I won an award for best in Malay language and gotten a trophy. Being at a tender age of only 11 years, I felt excited and overwhelmed about it and couldn't wait to show it to Father and make him feel proud of me. But to my surprise, no acknowledgement so given. Not a single congratulations or a well done came from him. All I remembered was getting reprimanded. Great childhood memories don't you think?
Recently, I managed to get an A+ in Business Matematics in SIM. He said nothing too. It just saddens me so much.
Mommy on the other hand does congratulate me or whatever but I always come last to her when it comes to her children. Apparently, I'm not as important as my NUS undergraduate sister or my Mathematics Whizz brother or my baby brother. She's biased. Very biased.
Hence that is why I hate being around them. I often spend the entire day alone in my room, reading or doing my own stuff. Door locked - no spare keys to be found outside. I took all the keys to my room. I like being alone. I like the privacy. Being outside of my room means getting scoldings. I swear, they never fail to find something to scold. I think its their newly found hobby. Most of the time, I'm like immune to it. Too much scoldings I reckon. But sometimes, when its just too much, I will argue back.
I know after publishing this, I might get another scolding for blogging about this. Because my idiotic sister will read and tell Mommy and she'll start scolding me and won't be satisfied and tell Daddy. And then she'll tell her whole freaking extended family about how bad I am. Then she'll go on telling me that I've shamed her in blogging about them and making relatives find out about my problems. Ummm, Hello? You're the one who told them, not me. They don't know my blog okay? -____________________________-
And according to what Daddy says "Tell the whole world about how bad you parents is. Purposely embarrassing them.".
Firstly Daddy dearest, hardly anyone comes to my blog. Maybe a few friends now and then but most of the time, they won't because I hardly blog anymore. Secondly. most visitors are strangers, prolly from the other side of the world. You don't know them, you don't know that they know. So how are you going to be embarrassed? Thirdly, if I haven't started blogging since 2006, I might be in a mental hospital right now and that will cost you money. A little embarrassment would save you hella lot of money, so suck it up!
Oh god, I started this blog feeling really sad and even cried a couple of times while blogging. But I've turned angry right now. I should take a break and continue blogging later before this entry would be filled with shitloads of profanities.
Till then.
xo, Nadiah
Awesome movie, I must say. Caught this with Claire on Saturday night. Very funny and crude loool!
